Day 91 - With Ease

I should be jumping for joy right now and screaming done from the rooftops but I am not. And I'm really ok with that. I am NOT in peak condition and that is the whole point of this project. So I keep on keeping on hoping that by the end of this - which is approximately three weeks before my first half marathon - I'll be in kick ass shape.

Over the weekend I ran a route I've run hundreds of times but this time was by far the easiest. There are hills and random spots of gravel and trees and I did it like it was nothing. Instead of lumbering along on the straight aways I was all head up, back straight and clipping along. It was an amazing feeling. I wanted to get to this point so I'm happy with the progress; an ability to run without feeling suicidal 11 minutes in. It was - dare I say - easy.

Shockingly I did it without music just to the sound and time of my breathing and pace. Which allowed me to follow and listen to my breathing and pace. It was far off from the days of yore where I would jog along on the treadmill but could only do 30 entire minutes if The Hills was on. And to do it without music? Ha Ha HAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Last week I stopped at the gym for a bit as per our homework and saw the scantily clad college girls flipping through In Style while moving at a snail's pace on the elliptical. I'd bet they would later drink their dinner (PBR or Bud light? Tough choice) but claim it was ok because of those 30 minutes on the elliptical. I didn't look amazing while in there but there was this sense of empowerment knowing how far I've come in this process. But I still have a hell of a lot more to do.

Day 84 - 125 Days

Back in July when I was going through a 'slump' - in quotes because not working out and drinking every night is more like an utter fail but 'slump' sound so much nicer - Patrick offered to let me continue on with the PCP for 125 days instead of the standard 90. And I quickly said yes. There was no hemming or hawing and thinking about it, it is the right thing to do for me.

I continue to be disappointed in myself for letting my health catapult down a steep hill. I allowed my emotions to get the better of me (work, followed by having my heart broken followed by two family deaths within five weeks of each other) and neglected to pay attention to the rest of my life. I ended up depressed (duh) (also I have bipolar disorder and so I'm depressed pretty frequently but the aforementioned events helped none of that) and eating at McDonald's because I was tired. And then there was that time I immediately left work and high tailed it to Cold Stone and ordered a sundae the size of my ass which would contribute to the size of my ass. HA HA ohhhhh. Then there was my new found Jack Daniel's habit which came from who knows where but whiskey is delicious. And then I ended up at 250 lbs. Clothes came with not one X but two.

I had to suck in my stomach to get a size 16 on and even then there was a visible line of demarcation on my stomach and a nice pouch that was formed. Basically I looked like sausage casing.

There were other things but I think I've divulged enough and I'm thankful that you cannot see me so I don't have to actually hide under my desk though I feel like it.

I have no clue how much I weigh right now except that it's a hell of a lot less than 250 lbs. What I do know is that an extra 35 days will be good for me and then a half marathon in November. There was something else I was going to say here probably something wistful and hopeful but I can't remember it now.

Anyway 125 days. I'm looking forward to the pain.

Day 76 - TWO WEEKS.

I use travel as an excuse to be bad. To enjoy room service and cocktails and late night BLTs after a long day of meetings. I would be thrilled to be at the airport early in the morning because that was an excuse for a McDonald's breakfast sandwich. Nothing says 'Good morning!' quite like a hashbrown.

The other day I was running late after back to back doctor's appointments and missing breakfast so I decided that my indulgence would be a quarter pounder with cheese. A #2 piping hot with some perfectly salted french fries and a diet coke to wash it all down. I salivated while going through the drive thru and when I finally wrapped my mouth around that deliciousness....well...it left much to be desired.

It was eh. The cheese wasn't even fully melted on. My french fries were fresh but they were still not to my preferred crispness. I felt gypped! I've been eating fucking peas all week and the one time that I can enjoy myself I get sub par fast food. I wonder how I did it for so long when McDonald's wasn't an indulgence but a way of life. I was busy so I'd go to the drive thru. It was Saturday. The Yankees were winning. I had a hangover. And I never thought twice.

In no way do I enjoy counting grams though I've gotten pretty good at eyeballing if I'm away from home. I hate jump ropes. I hate planks. I hate feeling sore. I hate knowing that I can't do anything else until I've worked out. I spend a lot of time cursing Patrick. But at least I take note and I care and I watch.

If I hadn't started watching I'm sure that my full on neglect would have killed me sooner or later. Besides I like that I can take off my pants without unbuttoning or unzipping. It's the little things.

Day 69 - "Do you want a trainer or do you want a little kid?"

Saturday I didn't get a chance to workout until later in the day due to incessant watching of The Wire. Start watching that show and I guarantee that you'll suddenly find yourself too busy to go to the bathroom. I ended up working out while babysitting my eight year old cousin. First we did some jumps and when it got to the leg workout she started losing her form and struggling. This after she had MOCKED me for not putting muscle into my workout. She asked how many I had left to do and I said well you do it until 25 or until it hurts. And she replied, "but it hurts after FIVE!"

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I feel like I've hit a wall. I still workout of course but the cooking and the eating has become a chore. I keep envisioning french fries with ranch dressing but instead find myself in front of a pile of kale. Kale used to thrill me but now I'm just eh.